Call me Grinchy McScrooge (for now)

 I admit it. Christmas is not entirely magical to me.

I'm slowly coming into the spirit, but life is not a magical Hallmark Christmas for me. 

And I feel some guilt because it is not. But then, those people probably did not lose their parents and grandparents over the course of several years in November, December (one of them five days before Christmas), and January. Christmas is the midst of a season of remembered losses for me. I miss everything about Christmas at my grandmother's house, from the homemade fruitcake and gravy to the Charlie Brown Christmas trees we used to have. 

Some of those people have also probably never felt the anxiety of a semester ending and the rush to get final grades in on time while planning Christmas entertainment for the entire college family at the same time. 

I used to pressure myself to listen to Christmas music nonstop, starting  on the way home from visiting family for Thanksgiving. This year I have not played a Christmas song willingly yet.  I'm just not ready. Maybe Monday when it's actually December. 

My bestie and I got to talking about listening to Christmas music; she may have commented (out of relief) that I did not have it playing yet.  We started discussing Christmas songs we could live without. I made her gasp when I admitted that actually I cannot stand "Silent Night." (Did you just gasp?) I am also not overly fond of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." The idea of vehicular manslaughter on Christmas Eve is not hilarious at all to me. I'm also not a fan of "I'll Be Home for Christmas" because I am one of those who will only be there in my dreams and "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" because I have only known one, maybe two in my life. In the South, we don't get snow for Christmas. We're lucky if it feels cold enough to be Christmas. Strangely enough, I love "Winter Wonderland." 

My Christmas cynic has been on display since the Christmas music started playing in big box chain retailers, which gets earlier year after year. I guess next year, we'll start it after Independence Day.  Eery note I heard made me cringe and head toward the door, usually without purchases to protest as I thought to myself, "That music is not having the effect you wish it to have, greedy capitalist merchant. It arouses no need to spend money for Christmas." 

As I write this, it is Small Business Saturday (so, it is safe to begin Christmas shopping, right?) and the coffee house I love dearly, which is a small business, does not have Christmas music playing and not even a Christmas tree in sight. I started the annual list of people to whom I intend to give a gift this morning.

At least my Christmas wreath is waiting for me to hang it on my door. I must have "holly" on my front door. The jury is still out on whether I will go to the trouble of full-sized Christmas tree. The desire to decorate is not terribly high on my list when no one will see it but me and maybe two other people who could not care less about the presence of a Christmas tree in my house. If someone tries to judge me for not having a Christnas Tree up, I tell them to pay my mortgage and come put it up and take it down themselves. 

See that Grinch coming out? Actually, my inner Scrooge has been more apparent. On Black Friday, I tweeted "Bah humbug." 

Yet like Grinch, whose heart grew three sizes, and Scrooge, who was filled with the Christmas spirit in the end, my cynicism will fade. I will enjoy the magic moments that Christmas brings. After all. I am sitting here with a Christmas pin, Christmas earrings, and a Christmas bracelet on, but then I haven't been to the stores to start Christmas shopping just yet. There must have been some magic in that Peppermint Iced Mocha I just drank... (ha ha!)

Perhaps I need to charge my Christmas spirit a little more. Maybe I'll crank up the Christmas music on my way to start Christmas shopping. 

I just need to remember to find the magic moments and enjoy them. I need to remember that this Advent is a time of waiting and preparation for the Greatest Gift of All. That's the reason for the season, not all the things that make me cynical. 

May we all find peace and joy this season, 2020's been a hell of a year. We've just come out of a time of being thankful for what we have. Let us prepare for what is to come and experience moments of joy. May be kind to each other this Christmas. Let us hope for better days and find the magic in the ones that are finally here. Happy Christmas, everyone.