I admit it. Christmas is not entirely magical to me. I'm slowly coming into the spirit, but life is not a magical Hallmark Christmas for me. And I feel some guilt because it is not. But then, those people probably did not lose their parents and grandparents over the course of several years in November, December (one of them five days before Christmas), and January. Christmas is the midst of a season of remembered losses for me. I miss everything about Christmas at my grandmother's house, from the homemade fruitcake and gravy to the Charlie Brown Christmas trees we used to have. Some of those people have also probably never felt the anxiety of a semester ending and the rush to get final grades in on time while planning Christmas entertainment for the entire college family at the same time. I used to pressure myself to listen to Christmas music nonstop, starting on the way home from visiting family for Thanksgiving. This year I have not played a Christmas song willingly yet.